Currently Listening Transistor By 311 Beautiful Disaster see related

We are not always what we seem.
Those who do not see our worth are bereft of beauty.
Sometimes the deception claims not only those who "know" us, but ourselves. 
Every once in a while we discover we are so much bigger than our own being. 
Multitudes more than we ever thought we could be. 
Only then,
In those unadulterated moments of clarity,
In those stunning moments of self-realization,
Do we find the untainted enrichment of knowing we do not need anyone;
Then do we feel the freedom of knowing we do not need anything. 
We can be our own source of fortitude, will, comfort, intelligence, motivation, strength, and pride.
We do not have to be subjected to being defined--by ourselves or others.
We can choose to be happy.
We can be our own force of nature in a vast universe and never be lost.

I am not lost.

Currently Listening Shrek: Original Motion Picture Score By Harry Gregson-Williams Hallelujah -- Rufus Wainwright see related

So last weekend was a great one!  It started out with karaoke on Thursday. The best part about that night were the people from the show that were there.  It was a great crew.  It was fun and crazy and relaxed all at the same time.  I think it was just what the doctor ordered. I feel like I'm finally developing a group of friends that I can really mesh with and enjoy and that I'm finally  having the college experience I've felt jipped out of the last 2 years. 

That feeling continued through the rest of the weekend.  Saturday night was amazing, surrounded by new friends and beginning to feel a little more comfortable in my skin. I felt like I got some things figured out that have been nagging at me for a while and for a minute, things became clearer...my emotions, my fears, what I'm shifting into, what I want.  I was pretty much on cloud nine up until yesterday.

Yesterday was good and bad at the same time.  In a way, I knew things had to come crashing back down to earth, I had just hoped it would take longer and that I wouldn't hit so hard. 

I came to an important understanding that I have a lot of mixed feelings about.  I also am becoming aware of what others think of me which may not necessarily be how I'd like to be perceived, but alas, I can see the truth in it.  And that's ok because if I don't know, how can I observe and change into a better person...not because of what other's think, but because of what I strive to be.  Fortunately I think a lot of things have to do with the age I'm at now and all the different transitions I'm going through.  This is definitely a phase of finding who I am and how I fit in.  On the flip side, people who don't know me well perceive certain things the wrong way.  I can't blame them because I could see why they would think like so, but we all have different ways of dealing with things and some things I do or say are misunderstood because it's my way--part of who I am. 

People are pigeon-holing me in a way...But at the same time, as I get to know certain people I think they're doing it to themselves also, making themselves unavailable to new experiences because they think there are none to be had right now.  I must say that as I'm becoming more aware of myself it's kind of opening me up to see how others view themselves.  Because I am trying not to make the mistakes others are making when they look at me, it's shedding just that much more light on others.  I am finding that they are just as unaware of how they are actually coming off as I am.  Everyone.  I guess we're all in the same boat together!

Finally, I'm getting frustrated with myself because I keep walking myself into certain situations...like a moth to the flame, if you will.  I hate certain aspects of what I've done, but I know that given the chance I'll do it again, even though I know I'll wind up hurting again.  The question then is why?  What is it that keeps drawing me back? Is it the hope or is it the pipe-dream, or maybe the story I just made up in my head that I'm clinging to?  Or maybe it's like karma, something I just have to keep doing over and again to get it right and move on.  I can be a perfectionist like that sometimes.

Currently Listening The Best of 1980-1990 By U2 All I Want Is You see related

"And I've done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see, maybe it's got nothing to do with me..."  -John Mayer

I give up. I am tired of trying to reach out to people and getting left with nothing but a sore ego.  I have repeatedly gulped down my pride and stupid fears of getting shut out only to find it was in vain...that I was just reaching out to touch a big, frigid, stone wall.  I don't know...maybe some people just don't want to be reached out to.  Maybe they're too scared for some reason.  Or, on the other hand, perhaps they're too selfish, too self-absorbed to open their eyes and see the lengths that others are going to to reach out and show they care.  Maybe it's not worth it anymore.  Maybe it never was...

My mother is pretty much always right.  I almost always take her advice and her words to heart as the wisdom I know they are.  Almost always.  Recently I have chosen to disagree with something she told me.  When talking about about meeting new people and feeling them out she said, "Through my own experiences, I have learned to trust my initial gut instinct about people."  I like to think that I shouldn't trust my first instincts about someone (particularly if they're bad) and I've decided to forge my own path on this one.  However, I am quickly learning my mom may be right--again--and this time it's pissing me off because unfortunately it's not so much in the positive sort of way...Instead, it's more in the "My gut instinct was a bit on the negative side and for a sec it appeared I was wrong--oh wait--no, guess I wasn't," sort of way.  It's really a shame.  It's kinda tainted my usually hopeful feelings about the human race. 

Again, maybe I'm being a bit harsh.  It is possible that the person(s) in question don't know who they are and are just trying to figure that out...and maybe I should be more patient.  After all, I, too, am in a huge phase of transition and self discovery.  My life is very complicated right now. I do have to admit I welcome a fair amount of these complications...I'm actually enjoying most of them because each one is helping me see new things about myself.  For the first time in a very long time I can begin to really do things for myself, fly on my own for a while so I can figure out who I am, now, and who I want to be.

Not all of the complications are so peachy, though.  I have my bad moments and I really appreciate the patience of those around me when such moments become apparent.  So maybe it is just a matter of me finding more patience to offer the aforementioned person(s).  Even so, I can't help thinking that there is a point when you have to realize that those around you can only handle so much, however saintly they may be, and that after awhile you're just being selfish.  You keep taking and taking and it becomes hurtful for those who are trying to make an extra effort.  Eventually numbness and indifference replace the hurt and then you've screwed yourself.  Kinda like crying wolf.

I'm really trying not to let things bother me but it's almost impossible for me. Sometimes I think I care too much (and it's amazing how far a little bit of self-consciousness can go).  I'm so worried there's something wrong with me.  I am so drained and I'm not sure how much more I have to give.  But I am a big girl, and a survivor--I have been through much, much worse--So I know its just a matter of time until I'm OK again...After all, this is part of life and growing up.  I can only hope I'll be a better person because of it.  In the words of Fiona Apple:

"Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it
I'm an extraordinary machine"

So I took this quiz I see a lot of people have been taking out of curiosity...The Results are:

You scored as Theater.
You should be a Theater major! Like a bohemian actress, you are seasoned and confident and not afraid to express yourself!
Theater 100% Mathematics 100% Art 100% Journalism 100% Sociology 100% Linguistics 92% Dance 83% Psychology 83% Biology 75% English 75% Anthropology 67% Philosophy 58% Engineering 50% Chemistry 42%

Well, I must say I was rather surprised by the whole Mathematical thing as well as some of those other scientific-ish things although I am such a geek that I love taking like biology classes and such.  When I think about it, people are always telling me that I over analyze things... In fact, I think what most people would be surprised to know about me (if you don't know me very well) is that for all the circles I think in, they are all very logical and get me to exactly where I want to be.  When it comes to important stuff I handle things very pragmatically and logically, sometimes almost to a fault...  So i guess in that respect i should not be so surprised...I guess I do have a left brain after all!

Well, atleast i got a second entry in...I would write something more interesting If I weren't so drained from still being sick.  Seriously, I've been sick like 5 times since I got to OSU....Maybe I'm allergic...I hope not.  It's more likely that life hates me...  so with that I am off to grocery shop (my sworn enemy) and get more food and a lot of drugs, lol.  But really, I plan to ride this out highly drugged up!

much love, loves.

Well, thanks to peer-pressure, I have jumped on the Xanga bandwagon.  I'm not sure if I'll have time for any of this and entries may be few and far between.  I can't say I've really ever seen the point in sharing my life with just any ol' person on the internet, but I suppose it doesn't have to be deep (in fact, I'll try to be cheerful and simple...two things that I find incredibly refreshing in others as well as when practiced personally) and I also can code whatever I wish, so it's worth a try.  This may be good for me...

Now, let's go back to that whole simplicity thing.  My life has know everything but simplicity these last 2 1/2 years.  Fortune threw a few unfortunate curveballs my way.  Most of you probably know my dad passed away unexpectedly right before I left for college my freshman year.  I am able to see things happened for the better in many ways but it was still painful and very wierd.  I made most of the arrangements and choices myself because I was of age and his only child.  There really should be a class on handling life situations like that.  Your whole life people are preparing you for things that won't matter in another 5 years...SAT's, ACT's, sports, schalarships, on and on.  The things that happen in your life that effect you permanently, the things everyone will have to face and deal with...there aren't classes or guidence or anything for that...it would have been nice to have somebody tell me to expect to have to sit in a room with my family, keep tension low, and pick out a casket and a metal vault to keep my loved one's body from pushing up daisies in the natural order of things.  People told me I handled myself very well, but the truth is, I don't know any other way.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and when I do it's a big deal.  I'm a survivor. I put on a face and storm on through, trying to support everyone else.  I deal with things on my own time and share my pains with only the people I am the most comfortable with...even then I'd prefer to cry alone.  Unfortuantly, doing that can mess with your head as I soon found out.

So then I left for good ole WSU which was probably two of the most miserable years of my life.  I have always been pretty confident and comfortable in my own shoes but when I got to school, that all changed.  Suddenly I felt like I was being judged every single moment I was around my teachers and peers.  To an extent, I actually was.  Hard program.  Not very nurturing towards my personal growth as a person and an artist (god that sounds corny..."artist"...oh well).

I continued to grow as a head-case at school and lost several other people in my life that first year.  It really didn't help my case that the relationship I was in wasn't as honest as I had thought it was, messing with my head even more.  I was still mourning my father on top of it all, and another important male figure in my life passed away when I got home from school, bookending my first year.  It's a wonder I handled any of it, and I owe so many thanks to my mom and my amazing friends who were there to pick up the pieces when all I was was pieces.  Even for our relationship problems, The Boy was there for me in anyway he could be.  Things were hard for him too. I don't think the people who have just recently entered my life have any idea how different I am than I was.

I think one of the really hard things for me was what happened with the men in my life.  Two of the most important men to me died (joining 2 who had gone before them) and the one I chose, on my own, to love and trust, betrayed that trust.  This may explain some of my confusion when it comes to the male species as well as why I seem to over-compensate and crave male friendship.  I have so many amazing, strong women in my life that I've never felt a lack of that kind of presence, especially on my mom's part...having been raised by her has shaped me so much.  But as far as men go, my grandpa was a huge role-model and constant in my life but he died when I was ten.  My dad and I were close but didn't see or talk to each other as often as possible.  I feel lacking and crave that sory of companionshiop...like I want to have a protector of some sort should I decide to ever be vulnerable enough to be rescued.  Honeslty, a majority of my friends are guys and I think that;s a huge part of it.  The other day my mom was talking ot my cat (yeah, that's right, and I do it too so don't hate) and she said, "Nemo, want to go hang out with Adrianne and drink with the boys?"  Is that sad?

Finally, as far as school goes, things boiled over, I had some nervous breakdowns, one thing led to another and I made my decision to come to OSU.  At that point I felt like a wieght was lifted off of me and I had finished the worst of mourning everything that had gone wrong in my life and became more like my old self again.  Amazing.

So her I am, piled under homework and projects and loving OSU.  Man, this Xanga thing could be dangerous!  I didn't think I'd like it, but here I am, tired, behind on work, and having to pee really bad, lol.  I have so much more to get out of me (words that is, not pee) and it feels so good to write this stuff out.  I'm just not sure if I can do any more coherently.  You guys will come to find that I relate so heavily to music that sometimes it's the best way I can express myself so I end my first entry by leaving you with the lyrics of Anna Nalick which seem so fitting now...

"2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."